Art & Depression
saying goodbye before dropping him off for deployment
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much harder it is for me to create when I’m sad. People sometimes talk about great art being born out of suffering, but that’s never been true for me. When I’m depressed, the hardest part is simply picking up the brush. Once I do, I can lose myself in painting for hours, sometimes sixteen straight. but getting started feels impossible. And yet I know that if I can just push through that wall, I’ll come out the other side feeling lighter. My creativity doesn’t come from depression; it comes from living, from loving, from noticing the world.
Right now, sadness feels especially heavy. My husband has just deployed, and even though we can text and I’ll get phone calls a few nights a week, the reality is that I won’t see him in person for nine months though last time it ended up being 11 months. On top of that, three of my kids are back with their other parent. Having them leave is always complicated. It’s painful in ways I don’t expect anyone outside of similar situations to really understand. But I do still have one of my daughters at home, and that helps more than I can put into words.
Physical pain has been a part of this story, too. When my trigeminal neuralgia was at its worst, I couldn’t function, let alone paint. Fibromyalgia doesn’t stop me in quite the same way, it mostly weighs on my legs, but it’s still something I have to push through at times. The truth is, both emotional and physical pain can shut down my creativity if I let them.
But here’s the thing, art doesn’t take away the pain. It doesn’t erase the loneliness of deployments or the ache of missing my kids. What it does give me is something to hold onto. A painting I can look at and say, I made that. It reminds me that even when I feel stuck or hurting, there is still a part of me that can create something beautiful. And that matters.
Keep in mind my sadness and depression is situational. If you or someone you love has depression seek the advice of a healthcare provider. Mine is form non ideal situations mostly being missing my family.
Lets hope for happier times to come,
MERC