Dreaming of a Return to College

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the possibility of returning to school specifically to study analog photography with darkroom development. When I first discovered that programs like this still exist I was genuinely thrilled. It feels like stepping back into a world I once knew so well. I realize how much I’ve forgotten over the past twenty years and would love to rehone that skill. I also really just miss being in a dark room watching my images come to life. This is to say nothing of the additional art classed that could only strengthen my painting skills.

Then reality hit. I’m not going to be in Kansas for the next four years. Even if I were I don’t have $53,000 to invest in something that won’t translate directly into income, but only personal growth. It’s disappointing but right now, it’s not something I can take on. The bright side is knowing that schools are still teaching analog photography and darkroom developing so the art is not lost yet. For now though, I’ll keep fumbling through relearning on my own. It won’t be the same as a formal program, but just about everything is on youtube so that’s enough to keep me moving forward. I am still sad to repost the gatekeeping within the photography community is still alive and well but I’ve never been one to engage with people of that mindset. Photography, painting or tattooing sharing your knowledge makes everyone better and improves the art form as a whole I promise you really are not making more coipition for yourself.

Kodachrome II

I wasn’t expecting to find anything like this.

We’ve been working on refurbishing a 1953 Spartan Spartette that had been sitting abandoned on my father-in-law’s property. The goal is to eventually live out of it, so most of what we’ve been doing has been practical like cleaning, gutting, figuring out what’s salvageable and what’s not.

When we moved the Spartan down to Texas to start work on it, I started going through the cabinets and tucked away corners. That’s where I found two small, battered yellow boxes of Kodachrome II movie film. I was excited I love old things that’s why we were drawn to the spartan and that’s why I still shoot film I love the style and feel of it all. I actually have a film camera for this film. I put the film in a drawer to be inspected later. But life is never that easy. After we got the rat infested insulation out of the camper it was caught in a flood when the Lampasas River overflowed. One roll of film didn’t survive. The other one did… at least physically. The boxes are worn, water-stained, and fragile. But still intact. Still readable.

And stamped right on them: “Process before June 1963.”

What this film actually is

This is Kodachrome II color movie film made for 8mm roll cameras. The kind used in mid century home movies. The kind families used to capture everyday life. I even have some old films of my mom and uncle as kids in this kind of film from the 60’s. Kodachrome itself has a reputation for longevity when stored properly. But this film wasn’t stored properly. I was very much abused sitting in an abandoned camper for decades. It went through heat, cold, humidity swings. And then it went through a flood.

But could it still be used? Technically, yes. Realistically, no. Even without the flood damage, film that expired in 1963 is already well beyond its usable life. The light sensitive chemicals inside degrade over time. What that means in practice is you would get severe loss of sensitivity, heavy fogging, color shifts or complete color failure. So it would be dark with really low contrast or completely blank. Add in decades of uncontrolled storage and water exposure, and the likelihood of getting anything recognizable drops even further.

But there’s a bigger issue. Kodachrome required a very specific development process called K-14, and that process is no longer available anywhere in the world. Production of Kodachrome film ended in 2009, and with it, the ability to properly develop it. Even if I shot this roll and somehow managed to expose something on it, there’s no standard way to bring those images back. There are rare cases where people attempt black and white cross processing, but results are unpredictable at best and with film in this condition, unlikely to yield anything meaningful.

So What Now?

There’s a point where something stops being a usable material and becomes an object with its own history. This film has already outlived its intended purpose by decades. It survived abandonment in Washington. It survived a flood in Texas. It made it from a forgotten camper to a workbench in Kansas. Shooting it now would almost certainly destroy it for the sake of an experiment that won’t produce much in return. Leaving it as is preserves what it is. It’s a ruminate of an analog world I have a lot of nostalgia for. And now it fits perfectly alongside the camera it was meant for, my simple Kodak Brownie 8mm. I do plan on still using this home movie camera this summer I need to order film for it but sadly it won’t be Kodachrome II. I do have hope Kodachrome will come back as I’ve seen some interesting stories come out about Kodak recently and there seems to be a push back to and a interest in film photography from even younger generations who didn’t grow up with it. Here’s hoping to small film development stands becoming prevalent again just like those road side coffee stands.

MERC

Free Download: Fallout Nuka-Girl Unofficial Fan Art

I’ve had a lot of people ask if this piece would ever be available as a print and while I truly appreciate that, this one is a little different.

This artwork includes copyrighted characters and elements (including Nuka-Girl, Nuka-Cola, Red Rocket, Bottle, and Cappy), which I do not own. Because of that, I’m choosing to offer this as a free download for personal use only, rather than selling it.

Download Details

This file is formatted and ready to print at 9x12 inches at 300 DPI, which means you should be able to get a clean, high-quality print at that size (or smaller) at home or through a print service.

Personal Use License (Please Read)

By downloading this file, you agree to the following:

• This artwork is © 2026 Merc McDowell. All rights reserved.

• This is unofficial fan art and is not affiliated with or endorsed by the original rights holders.

• You are granted permission to:

  • Print this artwork for personal use only

  • Display it in your home or give it as a personal gift

• You may NOT:

  • Sell this artwork in any form (digital or physical)

  • Use it for commercial purposes

  • Upload, redistribute, or share the file for download elsewhere

  • Alter, edit, or use any part of the artwork to create new works for sale

I’ve put a lot of hours into this piece, and this is my way of letting people enjoy it while still respecting the original IP and the work that went into creating it.

A Little Backstory

If the pose feels familiar, that’s because it is.

Nuka-Girl’s pose in this piece is inspired by a Tank Girl comic cover which felt fitting, because I’ve loved Tank Girl about as long as I’ve loved the Fallout universe. My gamer tag, TankgirlMerc, actually comes from that.

So if you ever see me wandering the wasteland under that name… feel free to say hi.

I hope you enjoy this piece as much as I enjoyed making it. It means a lot to be able to share it like this.

-MERC

Aprils Western Mini

April’s Western Mini is an Appaloosa tearing through a town all done in a comic book style. I leaned heavily into a Silver Age influence for this piece, with stronger line work and a more graphic feel than my usual watercolor approach. It’s a style I sometimes visit though have not mastered, but I wanted to experiment and see how it would translate into something this small.

And that’s really the challenge with these minis.

At ACEO size (the size of a baseball card), every line has to count. There’s not much room for detail, so it becomes more about suggestion when trying to capture movement, energy, and just enough form to let your brain fill in the rest. That’s part of why I chose this subject. A running horse already has that builtin motion, and the comic style let me push that even further without getting bogged down in realism.

I’m not sure it lands perfectly in “Silver Age,” but I do think it carries the spirit of it. It’s bold, a little dramatic, and focused on action over polish. One of my biggest struggles as an artist is I try to push everything towards realism. And honestly, that’s part of the fun of these minis for me is making myself hold back. They’re a place to practice without having weeks of investment poured into them in the case they don’t work out.

These are original watercolor ACEOs, each one hand painted and one of a kind. I keep them affordable on purpose at $6 including shipping in the US so they’re easy to collect, gift, or just grab because you like it. No pressure, no big commitment, just a small piece of original art.

-MERC

Update

Today felt like a good time to reset the intention behind this space.

When I first started this blog, I always imagined it more as a journal than anything else, a place to document the day to day life behind the work. That’s why it’s called A Western Artist Journal in the first place. Going forward, expect more of the real everyday moments here, the work, the process and the life around it.

There are some big shifts happening behind the scenes that I’m really grateful for. My husband will be home from deployment soon, which means the weight of everything at home won’t be sitting solely on my shoulders anymore. At the same time, a long running house project of getting the floors finished is finally done. It’s hard to explain how much mental space that frees up, but it’s significant. For the first time in a while, it feels like I’ll be able to give more of myself back to my art.

I also realized I never properly shared the last couple of Western Mini pieces. February’s was a Milky Way over the Pacific Northwest painted from memory, from the way I remember the night skies as a kid. March’s piece focused on ranch rodeo: a cowboy on horseback mid-throw with his lasso. Both of those meant a lot to me in very different ways, and I hate that they slipped by without a proper mention here. I’ll be revealing April’s Western Mini within the next few days.

Outside of the studio, I’ve got some trips coming up that I’m really looking forward to. Partly for romance, partly to just reset and breathe a little. I’m hoping to come back with a lot of new reference material including fresh landscapes, new light, different stories to pull from. I’ll be sharing more about those as they get closer.

If you follow me over on TikTok (Merc McDowell Art @chaosinakiss), you might remember me talking about wanting to do a “365 in analogue” project this year. I’m going to start documenting that process here since I don’t really feel like it's right for my TikTok. Right now, it’s been… a little heartbreaking, honestly. A lot of my old cameras didn’t survive moves the way I thought they had. But I’m not giving up on it I’m figuring it out as I go repairing some myself but others I’m slowly taking in to a repair shop.

There are also a couple of quiet things in motion that I’m excited about. I’ve started conversations with another artist about collaborating on a few pieces. It’s still early, and these things take time, but it’s something I’m really looking forward to seeing develop.

For now, I’m settling into this new rhythm of more time, more space, and (hopefully) more consistency in showing up here.

MERC

January’s Western Mini: Calf by Pond

These small watercolor paintings of a calf drinking from a pond are examples of this month’s ACEOs for my Western Mini Series. If you’re new here, ACEOs (Art Cards, Editions & Originals) are small, collectible original artworks. They’re intimate pieces meant to be held, looked at closely, and lived with not just scrolled past on a screen.

For this month’s series, I focused on a quiet western moments. Decembers ended the year with a cow skull at sunset so to kick off the new year a sweet scene of new life was just the thing. A calf stopping to drink, reflected back in the water below is the an absulute dream to capture in photography and had to be painted.

I love painting these ACEOs, there’s no room to overwork a piece. Every brushstroke matters. Color choices matter. Composition matters. I can’t hide behind detail or size. And I like that they make original artwork affordable to all people. These minis let me focus on mood, movement, and light. In this case, that meant warm browns and soft greens, loose reflections in the water, and letting the paint do what watercolor does best bleed, soften, and suggest.

Each ACEO in the Western Mini Series is an original. No reproductions. No duplicates. Even when I work from the same reference or theme, every piece ends up slightly different. That’s part of the appeal. You’re not buying a copy of something you’re getting a one of a kind painting that exists exactly as it is.

The Western Mini Series is something I plan to continue building over time. Some months will lean more rodeo focused, some more ranch or livestock based, and some may be something that I want to experiment with. ACEOs will remain part of that series, even as I introduce more small to medium sized originals in the shop.

I will occasionally paint a few extras at the beginning of a the month so I can get them out immediately for new subscribers but once they’re gone, they’re gone. If you see one that speaks to you, don’t wait too long these small pieces tend to find homes quickly. Any leftover at the end of the month are sold at art shows.

As always, thank you for supporting my work and for appreciating the quieter moments of the west right alongside the bigger bolder ones,

MERC

Eyes on My Art

Social media can feel like a giant machine built for people who want to go viral, become influencers, or turn their life into content. That has never been my goal. I’m an artist. I paint the American West, dark Americana, skulls, cowboys, military subjects, and sometimes the odd armadillo in cowboy boots. My work crosses a few different lanes, and that’s exactly why I want the right people to find it but it’s not for everyone.

If one of my pieces ever takes off, I’m not going to complain. But I don’t build my entire process around chasing a viral moment. Viral posts don’t guarantee that the people seeing the art even like my style. Sometimes it’s just the algorithm doing its thing. What I want is long term visibility among people who actually enjoy Western themes, skulls, darker tones, military influence, or a blend of these.

I post consistently because consistency is how people find you. But I’m not trying to game the system. I’m trying to show up so the people who would genuinely enjoy my work can recognize it when they see it. I mostly post finished paintings but like to add work in progress shots, my photos I use as references as well as a small bit of my life as a western artist. Nothing fancy, over edited, or over planned. Just the real parts of how I create. This lets people see my style across subjects so they understand the bigger picture of what I do.

There’s a big difference between being an artist who uses social media and being a “content creator.” I’m not trying to build a brand around my daily life, tips, tutorials, or the behind the scenes of every moment. I just want to share my art in a way that helps people who like this kind of work actually find it. If people enjoy what I make, I want them to be able to find it easily. That’s it. Social media is just one tool to help that happen. I’m not chasing trends. I’m not chasing fame. I’m just showing up, posting my work, and letting it reach the people who are supposed to find it.

I’m rambling,

MERC

A Quick Note About My Memory and Communication

I wanted to take a moment to be upfront about something that affects how I work and communicate. Over the last few years, I’ve been dealing with a noticeable amount of brain fog and short term memory issues. I’m not entirely sure what the main cause is it could be my fibromyalgia, it could be lingering effects from my past brain surgeries, or it could be from spending eight years in my 30s on the maximum dosage of gabapentin. At this point, it’s probably a mix of all of the above.

If you reach out to me and I forget to reply, or if I say I’ll work something up for you and it slips my mind, it’s never intentional. I’m not ignoring anyone. I’m not brushing people off. Sometimes my brain just… drops the ball. It’s pretty rare this happens but considering the brain fog does not seem to be improving probably best to make y’all aware of the possibility.

I keep notes, reminders, lists, and alarms, but things still fall through the cracks from time to time. If that happens, please don’t hesitate to message me again or give me a gentle nudge. I genuinely appreciate it. Most of the time I’ll see the reminder and think, “Oh right, I meant to do that,” and get right back to it.

I value the people who support my art whether you follow my work, collect pieces, share posts, or even just take the time to message me. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel ignored or unappreciated. Communication just takes me a little more effort these days, and sometimes my memory doesn’t cooperate the way I wish it would.

Thanks for your patience, and thanks for sticking with me. Creating art is the easy part keeping track of all the little pieces around it is where things get tricky. Your understanding means a lot.

MERC

December’s Western Mini: Cow Skull

For December’s mini, I wanted something that feels like the end of a long year reflecting quiet and warmth. I went with a cow skull set against a desert landscape at sunset. It’s a simple subject, leaning extra western. I’m a bit of a bone hunter myself and it’s always a treat to find a skull especially with horns in a forgotten pasture. I know not all people find joy in old bones but the finality of nothing left but bone also fits for the last month of the year. I also just love those warm sunset colors, especially this time of year when everything is cold. Soft golds, reds, and dusty browns happen to be my favorite palette so there is that too. This month’s minis lean into that glow and wrap the year up with something grounded and steady.

Thanks for being here for another month of these tiny Western paintings. I’m excited to keep this series going into the new year. You can find the Western Mini subscription here but if you’re not a subscription person you can do a single perches as well as a one time thing for the same price.

MERC

You’ll Be Seeing More Original Art in My Shop

For years, I created art simply because I enjoyed it. It wasn’t a business. I wasn’t posting every piece or trying to keep up with a release schedule, and I definitely wasn’t thinking about running an online shop. I painted what I felt like painting mostly being cowboys, skulls, rodeo scenes, military stuff, little studies, and oddball pieces that made me laugh. Because of that, I’ve built up a huge personal collection over the years. A lot of it has only ever lived in my studio or on my own walls.

When I finally decided to turn my art into a business, I didn’t upload everything at once. I didn’t want to overwhelm anyone visiting the site with twenty different directions or endless pages of listings. I wanted my shop to feel intentional, not chaotic. So I added a handful of originals, a few prints, and slowly started building from there.

But here’s the funny thing, every time I post a piece that isn’t available for purchase, someone messages me wanting it. Every time I share an older work I made years ago “just for me,” that’s the piece someone falls in love with. It’s a great problem to have, but it also told me it’s time to start opening the gate a little wider.

More Originals Are Coming to the Shop

So, here’s what’s changing: I’m going to be increasing the inventory on my website and making more of my original work available. I have plenty of finished pieces that have never been listed anywhere, and people have shown enough interest that it makes sense to give them a real home online.

For now, I’m focusing heavily on originals. Prints will still be part of my shop, but I want to prioritize the one of a kind pieces for a while. Prints take time with proofing, testing paper, adjusting colors and originals are ready to go. They’re also what people keep asking for.

More print options may come later, especially for some of my rodeo pieces and the cowboy portraits, but for the time being, originals will be the core of what I release.

What You Can Expect in 2026

If you’ve followed my work for a while, you know I’ve done a lot of monochromatic Rodeo Ink pieces the last year. While I’ll still do monochromatic work the Rodeo Ink pieces for 2026 will bring multiple colors back into my work.

One thing that’s not changing is the rodeo work. There will be more rodeo pieces, and the rodeo series is something I’ll continue to build on. I have a lot of reference photos from different events over the years, and plenty of ideas lined up that I haven’t even sketched yet. That series is staying.

Another shift you’ll notice is in sizing. I’m going to be offering more small scale originals. Not just ACEOs, those will continue as part of the Monthly Western Mini subscription, but more paintings and mixed media pieces ranging anywhere from 5×5 up to 11×17, and a lot of sizes in between.

Small originals are easier to ship, easier to frame, and more accessible for collectors who want something unique without committing to a huge piece. They’re also fun for me to create. I’ll still create larger work when the subject calls for it, but the smaller pieces will make up a bigger portion of my releases.

A Slow, Steady Expansion

I’m not dumping my entire archive onto the site at once, but over the next few months you’ll see the shop grow. More originals. More variety. More pieces that have been sitting quietly in my studio. If you’ve ever commented “Is this one for sale?” when the answer was no there’s a good chance you’ll find something you love in the new releases.

Thanks for sticking with me while my art shifts and grows. This next year is going to be busy, colorful and full of new work.

MERC

October in Overdrive

If you’ve noticed I’ve been a little quiet lately, October is the reason why. It was one of those months that felt like it was made up of nothing but long drives and late nights. Every month I usually make the trip from the middle of Kansas down to the middle of Oklahoma, about a nine hour drive round trip, but in October, four times but I had to do it ten times through October. Add a six hour round trip to Kansas City on top of that, and by the end of the month I was absolutely worn out.

The Kansas City trip was to pick up my original paintings from the printer after they’d been professionally photographed for prints. The ladies now running my old print shop are wonderful, though things work a little differently there these days. The color matching process isn’t quite as hands on as it used to be, so from now on I’ll be doing a little extra proofing myself to make sure everything looks right before ordering more prints. It’s a learning curve, but part of running your own art business is adapting when things change.

On top of all that driving, I also participated in a local art show with our community art group. The weather didn’t exactly cooperate, so the crowd was smaller than we hoped early on, but it picked up nicely toward the end of the night. I was really happy to see how many people stopped by to take part in the creative activities we had set up including the step-by-step watercolor pumpkin tutorial I put together and the coloring sheets we made for kids. One of our goals as a group is to make art more approachable for everyone, and it’s great to see people of all ages jump in and create something of their own.

Now that the temperatures are dropping, we’re settling in for winter and getting ready for what’s next. I’m starting a few new paintings this week and working on a special project for our town that I’m really excited about.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I also had a birthday last Saturday. We didn’t do much to celebrate this year, but honestly, after the month I had, a quiet day was exactly what I needed.

-MERC

November’s Western Mini: Spiderwebs

This month’s Western Mini is something a little moodier for November. Each is a 2.5x3.5” watercolor originals featuring spiderwebs stretched over a fall sky. Each one captures that late autumn feeling when the air’s a little heavier, the fields are mostly quiet, and the last bits of light hit everything in that reddish purple glow.

The webs are left in reserve, unpainted, against silhouettes of tall grasses or maybe old corn stalks left standing after harvest. those half forgotten corners of the field that always seem to hold the morning dew just right.

What makes this piece special is that it’s all watercolor. The bright whites of the web aren’t inked or drawn in later. The webs are the untouched paper underneath and the dew drops on them have color and darkness within. It’s one of those techniques that takes patience, but I love how it gives the web a soft, natural brightness that fits the scene perfectly.

These minis remind me a little of those fall nights playing a game my family called “hide and go scream.” At dusk we would silently run around the field or in the woods as the sky got dark, everyone was “it” and when you found each other you would scream and both run the other direction. My little brother would scream every time he hit a spiderweb.

If you’re part of my Monthly Western Mini subscription, you’ll be getting one of these spiderweb skies in the mail soon.

October’s Western Mini Series: Sonoran Desert at Sunset

I’m excited to finally announce the start of my Western Mini Series! It’s a new monthly collection of small original paintings, each inspired by a different corner of the American experience.

Every month, I’ll release a new themed set of 2.5” × 3.5” original watercolor paintings. These minis are perfect for collectors who want something small and unique.

For October, the theme is Sonoran Desert at Sunset. Think warm skies, saguaro silhouettes, and that hazy pink-gold light that settles over the desert just before night falls. Each painting captures a moment from that landscape, and no two will be the same.

All Western Mini Series pieces come with free shipping for the US and Canada, and once they’re gone, they’re gone. If you are outside the US or Canada I can create a custom order or subscription for you so feel free to reach out.

— Merc

Free Shipping

Good news all of my artwork now ships free within the U.S.

I’ve decided to simplify things on my end and make it easier for everyone ordering within the States. Instead of separate shipping charges at checkout, the cost of shipping is already built into the price of each piece. That means what you see is what you pay no surprises, no extra fees.

For my patrons outside the U.S., I’m still happy to ship to you! Squarespace just doesn’t make it easy to set up different shipping rates for each country, and I’d rather avoid overcharging or losing money on postage. If you live outside the U.S. (including Canada), just send me an email and I can set up a custom listing for you with the correct shipping included.

Thanks for understanding and as always, thank you for supporting my art.

— Merc

Armadillos & Cowboys: A New Series

If you’ve ever sat by a campfire, you know the rhythm of it and can picture sparks floating into the night, hear the strum of a guitar and feel the warmth of the fire on your face. And just when everything feels steady and familiar, something crashes in the underbrush around you as then scurries into the glow of the firelight. Not anything dangerous but an armadillo jus smooth brained, armored, half blind and completely unbothered.

That little image stuck with me and grew into this series. Six watercolors where cowboys meet their unlikely companions in scenes that are sometimes funny, sometimes quiet, and always just a little unexpected.

The collection includes:

• Fireside Companion – a cowboy with his guitar, and an armadillo perched to listen like an old friend.

• Barroom Troubadour – the smallest of the set, showing music and nostalgia under dim bar lights.

• Heads I Win and Tails You Lose – a pair of pieces meant to be seen together, playing on chance, fate, and cowboy luck.

• He Says Howdy – A happy little guy dawning a cowboy hat.

• Armadillo Rodeo – a playful spin on Western life, replacing a bronc with our high jumping little guy.

Each painting is its own story, but together they celebrate the humor and heart in everyday cowboy life. The armadillo isn’t just a sidekick here it’s a reminder that the West is full of surprises, and sometimes the smallest characters leave the biggest impression.

You’ll find a collage of all six works above, but if one of these moments speaks to you, originals and prints are now available in the shop. You can start here with the collection.

Until next time, may your coffee be strong and your trail full of surprises (so long as your horse doesn’t spook),

MERC

Chasing Sunsets and Patience: Planning Adventures That Never Go Exactly as Planned

Planning a vacation sounds simple enough in theory. Pick a destination, book some flights, pack a bag, and go. In reality, when your life revolves around someone else’s unpredictable schedule, it quickly turns into a careful balancing act between hope and frustration. Right now, I’m juggling the plans for three very different trips: the sweeping landscapes of the Sonoran Desert, a quick visit to family in Washington State, and the rugged peaks of Glacier National Park. And, if everything aligns, a final escape to Big Bend.

The tricky part isn’t picking destinations or figuring out what to see; it’s navigating the invisible calendar of someone else’s availability. Booking too early feels risky, like locking yourself into something that might crumble, but waiting too long is just as painful when every flight and cabin seems to disappear overnight. I’ve found myself staring at maps and hotel listings late into the night, silently negotiating with the universe, wishing I could control both time and tide.

Despite all that, there’s something thrilling about this uncertainty. It forces me to be flexible, to imagine more than one path to an adventure, and to appreciate the small victories like finally snagging a hotel, finding a hiking trail that isn’t overrun, or discovering a roadside diner that feels like it’s been waiting just for us. Planning trips has become less about perfection and more about embracing the process and taking in the little moments.

These trips are about more than just getting away they’re about inspiration, art, and breathing in a fresh perspective. Each landscape, every county road, and time spent holding my husbands hand is fuel for creativity. From the desert’s golden hues, the green forests of the Cascades or glowing blue glaciers they all spark ideas for new paintings, sketches, and stories I can’t wait to share. And the best part is experiencing them together with my husband Alex. Even when the timing is messy, even when things don’t line up perfectly, it’s still an adventure.

At the end of the day, some of my most memorable experiences have come from the parts that didn’t go as planned. A wrong turn on a hiking trail can lead to a secret waterfall and caves. A sold out hotel might push us into sleeping in the truck. The unpredictability adds a little magic to each trip, and when you’re with the right person, it doesn’t feel like a problem it feels like a real adventure. Not to glamorize it too much since when I can’t fully plan out the trips we do miss out on a lot. But in the end, even with the frustration of not being able to plan anything, I wouldn’t change my travel partner for anyone else.

Safe travels 

MERC

Art & Depression

saying goodbye before dropping him off for deployment

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much harder it is for me to create when I’m sad. People sometimes talk about great art being born out of suffering, but that’s never been true for me. When I’m depressed, the hardest part is simply picking up the brush. Once I do, I can lose myself in painting for hours, sometimes sixteen straight. but getting started feels impossible. And yet I know that if I can just push through that wall, I’ll come out the other side feeling lighter. My creativity doesn’t come from depression; it comes from living, from loving, from noticing the world.

Right now, sadness feels especially heavy. My husband has just deployed, and even though we can text and I’ll get phone calls a few nights a week, the reality is that I won’t see him in person for nine months though last time it ended up being 11 months. On top of that, three of my kids are back with their other parent. Having them leave is always complicated. It’s painful in ways I don’t expect anyone outside of similar situations to really understand. But I do still have one of my daughters at home, and that helps more than I can put into words.

Physical pain has been a part of this story, too. When my trigeminal neuralgia was at its worst, I couldn’t function, let alone paint. Fibromyalgia doesn’t stop me in quite the same way, it mostly weighs on my legs, but it’s still something I have to push through at times. The truth is, both emotional and physical pain can shut down my creativity if I let them.

But here’s the thing, art doesn’t take away the pain. It doesn’t erase the loneliness of deployments or the ache of missing my kids. What it does give me is something to hold onto. A painting I can look at and say, I made that. It reminds me that even when I feel stuck or hurting, there is still a part of me that can create something beautiful. And that matters.

Keep in mind my sadness and depression is situational. If you or someone you love has depression seek the advice of a healthcare provider. Mine is form non ideal situations mostly being missing my family.

Lets hope for happier times to come,

MERC

A Peek Into My Sketchbook: Rodeo Studies from Abilene, Kansas

A couple of weeks ago, I spent a Friday night at the Wild Bill Hickok Rodeo in Abilene, Kansas. Rodeos have always been a part of my life, but these days I see them with both a spectator’s excitement and an artist’s eye. Instead of just snapping photos, I came home and filled a few sketchbook pages with quick studies. None of them are polished, but that’s kinda the point. My sketchbook is where the raw ideas land. These rough drawings help me figure out what I want to paint.

sketch of steer wrestling

Sketch of horse used for bareback bronc riding and young child on a sheep for the mutton busting event.

Flipping back through these pages, I can already tell which studies might turn into bigger pieces down the line, and which ones will just live quietly in the sketchbook. Both are valuable sometimes a page is just practice, and sometimes it’s the spark for a whole painting. Either way, sketching after events like the Abilene rodeo helps me stay connected to the Western life I paint. I know I’ve talked about it before but sketchbooks are not supposed to be pretty or perfect.

Do you keep a sketchbook or journal for your own work or hobbies? I’d love to hear how you use yours. And if you enjoyed this peek into mine let me know maybe I’ll share more. Also I fixed the comments… took me long enough to figure that on out.

MERC

“Longhorns”: My First Cattle Painting and Why I’m Selling It

I’ve painted a lot of things over the years from colorful skulls and wild animals to dusty desert landscapes and campfires surrounded by mountains and pine but I’d never painted cattle until the spring of 2020.

This watercolor piece, titled “Longhorns,” was my very first attempt at capturing the curious nature and beautiful coloring of cattle on paper. There’s something that brings me deep joy at their presence reminding me of home. I tried to capture that curious joy in this 11x15” painting.

But this isn’t just another artwork for me. I’m selling “Longhorns” for $300, to helping a dear friend cover the costs of cancer treatment. When someone you care about is hurting, you want to do something, anything, to ease the weight. For me, that something is painting. I know the amount is low to cover something as expensive as cancer treatment but this is to cover a migraine treatment specifically that her insurance won’t cover.

Whether you’re a fellow lover of the American West, a collector, or someone who simply wants to support a meaningful cause, this piece is a chance to own a bit of my story while helping someone else write a new chapter in theirs.

“Longhorns” is painted on archival watercolor paper and ships unframed, ready for you to mat and frame however you choose. It’ll be listed on my shop today, and will ship within five business days.

Thank you for reading and thank you for being here.

With gratitude,

MERC

get Longhorns here

When Your Face Is on Fire: Creating Art Through Trigeminal Neuralgia

Just out of surgery. My husband was on a 48 hour layover to be with me when traveling for work.

Imagine being stabbed in the face with a knife that’s on fire. Not once. Not twice. But over 40 times a day.

That’s how I describe trigeminal neuralgia, a rare nerve disorder that made it nearly impossible to function, let alone live a creative life.

Before the pain took over nine years ago, I was a tattoo artist. I loved the work. From the atmosphere of Calaveras, the connection with clients, making art on living skin to my coworkers making me laugh until I cried. I loved my job. Then one day, in the middle of a session, it happened. My face lit up with a pain I can only describe as violent. I couldn’t hide it. I had to excuse myself and eventually, I had to leave that career entirely.

At its worst, trigeminal neuralgia ruled everything. The smallest things like wind, speaking, eating, brushing my teeth, the vibration of walking across a room could all trigger an episode. I was trapped inside my own skull. Food became a battle. Movement, a gamble. Even my ability to create was gone; I couldn’t paint through the pain.

At first I thought it was dental pain and oh boy I had a lot of unnecessary dental work in that time finally resulting in the extraction of a totally health tooth. At that point the dentist told me it could not be my teeth that were all in great condition that I needed to see a neurologist about the possibility of trigeminal neuralgia. My insurance being what it was I had to go see my primary care provider first. That provider told me to suck on sour candies for a month and come back as she could not believe what me dentist told me… this only made things worse. At that point I booked with another provider and got my referral to neurology. The first neurologist I saw fed my different nerve medication over the next six months ALL of those medications I ended up being allergic to. She also sent me for MRIs but the imaging didn’t really show anything. At some point she moved and my insurance sent me to another neurologist. Bless this second neurologist instead of trying to feed me more medication that was not working or was trying to kill me he actually listened to me and sent me to talk to a neurosurgeon. In steps Dr. Amadio my hero. Dr. Amadio first sent me to get an MRI at an imaging facility that could produce better images than the hospital I had been going to. There they clearly saw my artery was knuckled into that nerve causing all the pain. My neurosurgeon was disappointed in my prior neurologist and primary for not sending me to the correct MRI facility but in the end he saved me. The first step back toward myself was a microvascular decompression surgery. It brought the pain down from over 40 episodes a day to “only” seven. That’s not what most people would call livable but when you’ve lived in a firestorm, even smoke feels like mercy.

My neurosurgeon wasn’t satisfied, and I wasn’t either. That’s when we turned to Gamma Knife radiation. The day of the procedure was brutal I was in pain, vomiting, my vision blurry until I couldn’t open my eyes. But within 24 hours, things began to calm. Over the next three months, the daily stabs faded into the past.

The cost? I don’t feel the left side of my face anymore. I have to be careful when I eat. If I look down, I tend to drool, not the most glamorous side effect, but one of the last lingering reminders of what I’ve survived. Also talking to my neurosurgeon I learned I probably would have suffered from trigeminal neuralgia around the time I hit 60 but the stress of losing primary custody of my kids through a nasty divorce caused the pain to hit 30 years sooner that it should have. That train wreck is a story for another time.

Once the episodes subsided, I slowly returned to painting. In the quiet of recovery, art became not just a way to pass time, but a way to stay sane. It was one of the only things that didn’t trigger the pain. I could sit still, hold a brush, and build something from color and water and memory. I painted the American West. the grit, the struggle, the stubborn beauty of it. It felt like painting myself back into the world. It was also a huge distraction from the depression of not getting to see my kids everyday but again that’s for another time.

Now, years later, I still live with the effects of that time. I’ve built a new artistic life rooted in the things that bring me joy and makeup who I am. My work reflects the landscape of recovery, the scarred but resilient, quiet but fierce. And while I wouldn’t wish trigeminal neuralgia on anyone, it taught me something about survival. About adaptation. About the beauty in what’s left after everything else is stripped away.

If you’re living with chronic pain or illness, especially as a creative, I want you to know you’re not alone. Even when it feels like the world has gone silent around you, your voice still matters. Your art still matters. And you can make something powerful out of the ashes.

The pain is still there but not as bad in the least. Now its a constant cold burn in my numb face and dealing with fibromyalgia in my lower back and legs exacerbated by years of driving 16 hour days to see my kids but I will take this any day over what I was trying to survive.

To the other artist with chronic illness or disability, I see you. Feel free to reach out and share your story. We were not made to go through this life alone.

MERC

After the surgery you can see the scar behind my left ear.